Control: Real and false control. Which do you have?
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Wounds:
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I read a story about a man in his 30’s who was a multimillionaire. He had a beautiful home with a thick blue shag carpet. Some of his friends and family began to notice a peculiar behavior he had. He couldn’t stand to have the shag carpet messed up. If people walked across it and left footprints it drove him nuts. The carpet even had to be vacuumed in even rows. If the rows were not even and pointing in the same direction he would redo it. He vacuumed that carpet‚ or had his maid do it‚ on a daily basis if not more. Was the carpet dirty or was something else going on in this man’s life?
Have you ever known anyone who always had to have things their way? It doesn’t take long to recognize this type of person because they suck the life and liberty out of those around them. Many people have a control issue. It takes many complex forms and is manifested‚ many times unrecognized and acknowledged‚ through personalities‚ work habits‚ relationship aspects‚ spirituality‚ etc. There is the "neat person" who keeps things excessively clean and orderly in their home‚ bedroom‚ closet‚ kitchen‚ car‚ etc. The excessively neat person will have every pen‚ paper and paper clip in perfect formation and symmetry on their desk. Anything out of order will drive them crazy. There is the "charmer" who is a very good communicator with a smooth‚ magnetic personality. The charmer is usually highly intelligent and can use their mind‚ words and slick personality to basically get people to do whatever they want in a subtle way and most don’t have a clue the charmer has just controlled them. There is the "sergeant" who barks out orders and uses fear and intimidation to keep everyone and everything in order. Back seat drivers can be an example of a sergeant. There is the businessperson who is so excessively organized with their work‚ time‚ checkbook‚ etc.‚ that any unexpected circumstance outside of their schedule may sent them into a frenzy. Control type people have a false sense of security within the little world they are the center of. Keeping things in order brings peace even though it is false peace‚ just like a drug addict takes their drug and has peace for a while until their next drug fix is needed.
Is control a bad thing? No. It depends on the type of control and the motive behind it is. Back to the man with the blue shag carpet. Wanting to have our carpet clean is a fine. Wanting to have it excessively clean daily is not fine because then it is no longer a carpet issue but a heart issue. Whether it is a carpet‚ other objects‚ people‚ etc.‚ controlling things can become a means of escaping what is really going on. People with control issues attempt to control things on the outside to compensate for feeling out of control with their emotions on the inside. The more they feel out of control in their emotions the more they will most likely try to control people and circumstances. So‚ control is not a bad thing. It just depends on whether or not it is real or false control.
False Control
When someone does not deal with their emotions‚ whether it be current and/or past unresolved emotions‚ and attempts to escape these emotions by redirecting their thoughts and actions in a controlling manner‚ this is false control. It is no coincidence that everyone I have ever met who had a control issue had some kind of family brokenness in their background. When a child grows up in a chaotic atmosphere we feel out of control. In order to survive and cope as children we may unconsciously choose to bring control over things or we fear we may die or be hurt even worse. So‚ for survival‚ control can begin as a good thing. Yet‚ as the years go by we will need to get help for the emotional damage‚ which initiated our controlling‚ or we will probably continue on with our survival mechanism of control. We are now no longer children so the protective device of control can put aside. The need for control is no longer needed because we survived whatever it was that caused us to retreat for safety and control in the first place. We don’t need to control the world anymore. We made it! We survived! Yet‚ some stay locked in control mode because they perhaps forgot why they began controlling in the first place—to cope with and survive some kind of emotional damage and trauma. Behind every controlling person there will be some kind of emotional and psychological wound that was never allowed to surface and heal. Like the workaholic who had an alcoholic parent. They began working hard decades before in order to survive and escape their parent’s addiction. They are stuck in that mode and continue to work non-stop as an attempt to keep controlling what is no longer in need of control. They are simply running from air‚ controlling the wind. It is a waste of time and energy. The only way they will probably be able to stop working and controlling is to allow themselves to remember why they began controlling in the first place. Are you a controlling person? What is the motive and root of it?
Real Control
It is in the letting go and accepting of reality that real control begins. Real control brings with it peace‚ contentment and confidence in the fact that life ultimately is out of our control. Allowing ourselves to accept any past or current emotional pain and trauma to then work through it takes the edge‚ pressure and compulsion off of life. The need to control slowly fades because there is nothing else left which needs to be controlled. When we deal with our wounds‚ whether it be an alcoholic parent‚ physical or sexual abuse‚ death of a loved one‚ etc.‚ it liberates us. Ultimately‚ we have been trying to control the control our past has had on us. Now‚ through the changing power of Jesus Christ the past loses its control over us‚ therefore‚ we no longer need to attempt to control that which is uncontrollable. We can now have real control by allowing Jesus Christ to be in charge of our past‚ present and future! Relaxing and living by faith brings the much needed peace we all look for our entire life.
Do you struggle with a control issue? Do things always have to be done your way? When the struggles and stresses of life come do you feel an uncontrollable compulsion to clean‚ work‚ drink‚ have sex‚ etc.‚ for long periods of time—do you binge? If so‚ the following are some things that can help us identify our control issues to then work through them and move from false control to real control. Jesus loves you and I and we don’t have to control everything any more. It is ok to let go and let Christ have control!
- Ask Jesus Christ to come into your control issue. He will reveal‚ if we are willing‚ the actual core behind our control problem.
- Reflect over your life. How long have you been a controller? What and who do you attempt to control? Do you have any idea what the real core of the control is? Was there any alcohol or drug problems in your family‚ or any forms of abuse? Write down answers to these questions as you pray and reflect over your life.
- Seek out a trusted person to talk to. Find a good friend‚ qualified Pastor‚ support group‚ counselor‚ etc.‚ where you can get objective insight into your control issue.
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