Wounds: Addictions/Compulsive Behavior Control Depression Divorced Families Domestic Substance Abuse Domestic Violence Eating Disorders Grief Loneliness Family/Marriage/Relationships Pornography Rage/Anger Sexual Abuse Singleness Suicide

Did you know 1 out of every 4 women and 1 out of every 7 men were sexually abused to some level at some point in their lives? I am one of the seven men. Sexual abuse usually leads to extreme behaviors such as: drug and alcohol addiction, sexual addiction, sexual repression, compulsive behavior, suicide attempts, major depression, exhaustion, the inability to function “normally” emotionally, socially, relationally, sexually, etc. Being sexually abused can leave us incomplete and underdeveloped, cut off from God, others and ourselves. Feeling extremely self-conscious and awkward can be the norm for sexual abuse victims. For most of my adult life, and still some today, I felt very self-conscious and awkward in social settings. I tend to uncontrollably focus more on the awkwardness than the people and social setting itself. Can you relate to this? The sexual abuse planted, in the core of my identity, a complex and twisted mixture of anger, rage, shame, low self-esteem, sexual confusion, sadness, depression, etc. Jesus Christ did not instantly deliver me from all the ramifications of the abuse. Instead, He surfaced it all and helped me work through it, which, to a much less degree, I am still doing today. Here is more of my story.

Sexual abuse, especially if experienced when we are children, begins stealing parts of us and damages parts of us from the point when the abuse first began. The pain can then compound and become “infected” as time goes by until we choose to get help, that is if we choose to get help…which I hope you will if you were sexually abused. In my case one of the consequences of being sexually abused, things I am still working through, is hyper-vigilance. Hyper-vigilance is being extremely aware of oneself in social settings, being hyper-aware and alert to our surroundings. Hyper-vigilance is a protective survival mechanism, one I continue to try and change. I no longer need this protective “tool” as I am safe now and am no longer in continual life threatening danger like I was during all the abuse episodes. Another consequence I experience is a complex form of brain and memory damage due to being in post-traumatic stress for over 20 years. From the age of 27-40 I did not function fully and consistently. I was basically in “hibernation”, in a very complex category of rehabilitation. One reason it took so long for me to begin functioning was that the severe sexual abuse was combined with intentional psychological abuse, what is called brain washing. Due to the fusion of sexual and psychological abuse I shut down from “normal” life and was in recovery for 13 consecutive years. Those 13 years, and then some, were lost “unlived” years. The loss of so many things…the loss of time, the loss of parts of my heart, mind and body, the loss of innocence, etc, etc…these losses brought, and still bring to a lesser degree, a reservoir of grief. My life for the most part was put on hold, literally. When most people were getting married, having kids and getting settled into their careers and ministries, I was in survival mode recovering from and working through living horrors from my past. I also went through periods of anger, rage, and “hatred” towards not only the rapists but also towards God for allowing it all. What is so ironic is that for those 13 years in recovery I was a preacher, traveling around the country and world preaching the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I had to pretty much close the ministry for several years while I healed but I still preached sometimes. There were so many times I stepped behind the pulpit in excruciating, numbing pain and no one had a clue what I was going through. Why God didn’t just snap His fingers and “deliver” me immediately I will never know. Why the recovery couldn’t have been just for 1, 2 or 5 years instead of over 13 years I will never know. It is by far the greatest mystery of my life why God allowed all this to happen. No Bible verse, sermon, Christian cliché, etc, can ever do justice to the actual abuse or to the process of survival and recovery I had to go through. The answer will be given in heaven. Now, the transition from recovery life to “normal” life has been a slow process. The recovery phase becomes a safe place to survive while we get better. Transferring from and leaving that “safe” recovery place to blend into normal society takes time and can be a major, life changing transition. Tom Hanks in the movie “Castaway” was shipwrecked and stranded on an island for many years. He was grateful for the island as without it he would not have survived as long as he did. Yet, as the years went by he knew there was more to life than just surviving on that “safe” island. He had a choice to make…to either play it “safe” and stay alone on the island and continue living a “partial” empty life with no guarantee of being rescued, or, he could take a chance, make a raft, leave the island, risk his life and go for it! Even if it meant he died trying to leave he would rather have that happen than live the rest of his life on the empty, lonely island. He chose to go for it and after spending weeks at sea on a barely held together raft, he was rescued by a ship. He went on to recapture the life he lost and lived his life like never before. Now let’s back track a bit for context…as he left the island and before the ship found him at sea there was a mysterious grief he felt. When he was on the raft rowing away he watched the island fade in the distance and he had tears of grief. Why? Because he had invested so much of himself there…it was a special place, a special time, a time that saved his life, a time that he would never, ever forget. In a sense the island was a “friend” who saved his life and enabled him to stay alive. The years he spent on the island became a wonderful memory that was now his catapult and platform for living his life fully in the here and now. After 13 years I reached a point in my recovery where the Lord revealed the time had come to leave my “island.” He had brought me far. The time on the “recovery island” was coming to a close and I had a mysterious grief surface in my heart. I had a choice to make…stay on my safe, recovery island or take a risk and go for it. I chose to leave my recovery island of safety, got on my “raft” and went for it and am still going for it today! It is not easy and is filled with excitement and fear…fear of the unknown as I have never known or experienced what a “normal” life looks and feels like. I have lost a lot and I will always have unusual, complex scars and quirks. The transition to “normal” life off the island is hard, yet I am now getting my chance to live my life, I am just getting a late start. And you too can start to live a fuller life but first you have to accept and work through any sexual abuse done to you. Just the fact you are reading this is a big step, meaning on some level you may be ready to move forward from sexual abuse and live a more satisfying, healthy, and love filled life.

Perhaps, like me, you too were sexually abused. I am so sorry this happened to you! It was not fair and you did not deserve it or ask for it. Perhaps you too can have the courage to deal with your wounds. For those of us who were sexually abused there is hope for liberty and wholeness, especially for those of us who know Jesus Christ! You can do it! You can heal and live your dreams!

Out of all emotional damage childhood sexual abuse is the most confusing, complex and painful. I highly suggest anyone who was sexually abused to any degree seek out a Licensed Professional Christian Counselor. I also suggest going through, with a Counselor and/or Support Group, the book and workbook, “The Wounded Heart” by Dr. Dan Allender. Information on counselors and books can be found on the Wounded Heart homepage. The following are more suggestions to help work through sexual abuse.

• Ask Jesus Christ right now to come into the sexual abuse wounds. Even if you are angry at God because of the abuse, like I was angry at Him, that is ok. You can still invite Christ to come into your wounds, seeking Him for love, power and guidance. Consider reading the Bible in the Psalms and attending a healthy church where the message and worship are balanced and grace filled yet challenging, not where the focus is harsh, legalistic “spirituality.”
• Seek out a trusted friend to talk with. Along with Professional Christian Counseling find at least one friend who loves you and will be by your side as you heal. Someone who is preferably a good listener.
• Be active. Avoid too much time alone by being active daily to some degree. Whether it is getting coffee with a friend, exercise, church, etc., find things to do to stay active and keep that balance.
• Extend grace and rest to yourself. It can be easy to “beat” ourselves up and run ourselves into the ground in an attempt to avoid and/or deal with sexual abuse. I suggest you begin to re-program your mind. Learning how to simply rest, have fun, and accept the fact that the abuse wasn’t our fault may take time. Learning to love and respect ourselves in a healthy way is vital and Jesus will help you do that if you let Him. Jesus will help us move from shame to self-confidence!